Imagined conversations, daily. Stories on Sunday.
Sweetie. Sweetie. Turn over. You are snoring.
You are snoring again. Turn over.
You woke me up.
You were snoring. Just turn over and go back to sleep.
Why’d you have to wake me up.
I didn’t wake you. I just gave you a little shake.
You woke me up.
Cause you were snoring.
Trust me. You were.
You didn’t have to wake me.
I did. You were doing that snorting thing.
Snorting? You said snoring.
It’s snoring all right; it’s the aggressive kind. Like you kind of gurgle for a while and then you wheeze and then you pull up short and you let out a little honk.
You are so full of shit. I don’t snort.
You do. That’s why I had to give you a shake.
You fucking woke me up. Just say it. Don’t say you gave me a “little shake”. You woke me up. Admit it.
Well I tried giving you a little shake but you kept snorting.
And so you decided to wake me up? At 3:00 in the morning?
You didn’t have to wake up; you could have just turned over.
I wasn’t even snoring. You just woke me up.
Trust me. You were snoring.
You can’t just wake me up in the middle of the night. I have got to get a good sleep.
You were snoring.
So what! It isn’t like you go all silent when we go to bed.
That doesn’t have anything to do with … anything.
How many times have you woke me up with one of your farts?
Oh right. You never fart.
Everybody farts. I didn’t say I didn’t fart. I said I didn’t ever wake you up farting.
Like hell. Sometimes its like there is a gunshot in here. Ka-Pow.
I am serious. I have had to go sleep in the other room.
Yeah-yeah, you are just changing the subject.
I am totally serious. I can’t believe you’d even try to deny it. You are famous for it.
Ask the kids. Ask Delia. You have woken her up in the other room. I remember her coming in asking if there was a gunfight in the street.
You are just pissed cause you were snoring.
I am pissed because its 3 in the morning and you decided to wake me up.
I just gave you …
Don’t give me that ‘little shake’ crap.
I wasn’t …
If I woke you up every time you farted, you wouldn’t get up until 10 in the morning.
Sweetie. Why don’t you just turn over and go back to sleep. Just don’t sleep on your back. That’s when you snort. Just go back to sleep.
How can I go back to sleep? You woke me up. And now I am up.
Just go back to sleep.
And its gross. Really gross.
No, just turn on your side…
You fart under the covers.
Sweetie, you are going off on a tangent here.
I don’t think so.
Everybody farts when they sleep. I saw a PBS program on it.
You watched a PBS program on farting?
I happened to see part of it.
The part on farting?
Part of the part on farting. They said every person has to fart 35 times a day. It’s a fact.
You are delusional.
It is a fact. You can look it up.
I don’t think I will look up statistics on farting.
And it isn’t like you don’t.
Oh yes. You have had some spectacular farts.
Once there was a huge explosion and I woke up and there were no covers on the bed. I felt all around. I couldn’t figure out what had happened. And then all of a sudden the covers were back.
What are you talking about?
And I thought I was losing my mind but then I figured out what had happened.
You are so full of…
Your fart was so huge that the covers blew up all the way to the ceiling and then they came slowly drifting down.
Like snow falling on cedars…
Just like snow falling on cedars.
I am going back to bed.
Just turn over. You don’t snore when you sleep on your side.
I love you.
Love you, too… Just don’t fart.
Just don’t snore.
– Jay Duret