“Dad that guy looks exactly like you.” Ajax pointed to a large man getting ready for a racquetball match on the court at the end of the row.
“Thanks a lot.”
“Dad, he does. Its amazing.”
“Ajax, he is huge.”
“Yeah you don’t weigh as much as him. But you look exactly the same. He has got the same gray hair.”
“Actually, mine is Viking Red”
“Ha-ha. Good one, Dad. And he has the walrus mustache just like you do.”
“Ajax, I don’t remotely look like him.”
“And he has that little skin under his chin just like you do.” Ajax tried to grab my neck. I had to bat away his hand.
“He is an Iguana-Walrus, just like you Dad.”
“Would you call it an Iguana-Walrus or just an Igualrus?
“You are an ignoramus.”
“HaHa. Good one Dad.”
“Look at that,” I nudged Ajax so he looked over to the far court where my supposed doppelganger was being assisted in getting on his gear. The big fellow was slouched in a vinyl armchair with one leg up. He had a very, very, large belly. Not just the too many beers sort of fat belly but more like the whoops I-somehow-mistakenly-swallowed-a-paint -bucket-and-it-lodged-on-its-side-right-above-my-belt kind of fat belly.
I had seen him before. He was a fixture at the gym at 6:30 in the morning, hitting – lets say flailing – at racquetballs with a blonde woman in her mid 40’s. She was with him today. She was trim and wearing a maroon and white shirt that said “Kaiser/Permanente 5K”. She was wrapping his ankle in an Ace bandage. When she got that done she put a sock on over it and then put his shoe on. And laced it up. Then she repeated the same program on his other foot.
“Why do you suppose she is putting on his shoes and socks?”
“Cause he can’t reach his feet,” Ajax said. “Obviously.”
As we watched, the guy stood up. His didn’t tuck his dark blue tee shirt into his gym shorts which meant that it hung down below the bulge of his belly like a table skirt.
“Dad. I am not trying to hurt your feelings. I am just saying he looks like you except you are 200 pounds lighter.”
“That’s an important fact in my view. A key fact.”
“Yeah. You are not nearly as fat as him.”
“But you are still an Iguana Walrus.”
“Yeah. You said that.”
– Jay Duret